Funny Quotes: Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

1. I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
2. It's not cheating unless you get caught.
3. Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I've done it dozens of times.
4. I think crime pays.
5. I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it.
6. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
7. Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
8. Avoid hangovers: stay drunk. 
9. Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life !
10. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
11. I've got problem for your solution...
12. Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say "Are you gonna drink that?"
13. Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend's looks and vise versa.
14. Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have film.
15. Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.
16. All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.
17. When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
18. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
19. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
20. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
21. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
22. I don't pray because I don't want to bore God. - Orson Welles.
23. When on the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!
24. The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time. - Willem de Kooning
25. Never judge a book by its movie. - JW Eagan 
26. It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
27. Procrastination is the greatest laborsaving invention of all time.
28. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
29. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
30. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
31. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
32. God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.
33. Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
34. The shortest distance between two points is under construction... - Noelie Altito.
35. I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids. - Johathan Raban .
36. The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. - Horace Walpole.
37. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown
38. A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing.
39. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away. - Cassandra Chatfield
40. Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.
41. SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.
42. Men don't care what's on TV.
43. They only care what else is on TV. - Jerry Seinfeld.
44. Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. - Gordon R. Dickson .
45. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. - W. C. Fields.
46. Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously. - Cincinnati Enquirer .
47. The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits. - Albert Einstein.
48. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn .
49. If you think you're really influential - try ordering another man's dog.
50. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry.
51. Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak. - Epictetus
52. Life is like a role of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment. - Rudyh.